In The beginning

I am pretty new at blogging, but I have alot to say and sometimes its easier to write or (type) out then to talk face to face to someone. I guess actaually I talk so much that most of the time I come across as blah anyway. The truth is I have been holding alot in for a long time. You see In June of this year I rededicated my life to God and since this time I have been filled with so much passion to change the world that I don't know where to start so I figured the best thing to do is start at the beginning. so I thought that if I put it all out there maybe I can begin to understand who I am and what I can do with the gifts God has given me. I guess for years I have thought that I have ruined any chance that I was ever given to please God ,and believe me he has giving me alot of chances. You see as long as I can remember I have been singing . Mostly Southern Gospel but somewhere along the way I lost the reason I was singing and I started singing for myself and not for the Glory of God . Singing at my childhood home church was one of my favorite places to be ,but you know members there seen straight through me ! I had one lady walk out during me singing one night ! At the time it was one of the most humiliating experiences of my life (more would follow) . Another lady wrote me a letter saying that she felt that I was only singing and participating to show off at the timeI was horrified ,but looking back I guess she was right !  One of my biggest regrets is that. I know God has forgiven me but I still feel like look how much time I lost. You know it sickens me to know that I even auditioned for public television shows declaring that I was singing For God. I should have been ashamed. I knew better! I think I woke up when I sent a demo in a Christian Artists Talent search and they cancelled the show before anyone could be picked. That was the 3rd and final door to close on me ! It was at that point that I gave up not just on singing ! I gave up on everything including God. I turned to the world . I went out to clubs , I started drinking and performing Karoake at night clubs! and for awhile i thought I was on top of the world ! I guess I was right on top of exactly what satan wanted! As far away from God as I could be !!You see it was easy for me because although my husband would attend church with me here and there he wasn't committed to following God either so I was easily able to convince him to sway with me. Alot of my friends know this 2 or so year experience and I think my family probably figured it out but always on Sunday morning I would roll over and look at the clock after being out half the night and say no church I'm to tired ! so even though I was out there God would never let me completely forget him . I would always feel ashamed of myself because I knew my kids needed to be in church but I also knew that I couldn't be hurt like those people hurt me ! I was convinced that all churches were the same and that they were full of jealous people and I wasn't going to be hurt anymore! But around late last year some really great customers started inviting me to their church ! At first i was like yeah I'll visit someday ! But they never pushed me or pressured me but they always asked everytime they saw me until one Sunday in early June I went and God was waiting on me there to welcome me back! He fooded my heart that day and I haven't been the same since. Before I started going to church I told those special customers that I used to sing and that even after all this time that I still felt I was suppose to sing for God's Glory! I know what you are thinking oh no not again she's getting herself in the same boat ! and I thought the same thing but you know what these people believed in me so much that they bought me a cd and they encouraged the music leader  to let me sing even though they had necer themselves heard me and I have sang at my church a few times, but you know what its different because whenever I go up to sing I always say this song is Yours God do with it what you will! And my goal is not to sound good but to touch someone who may need to hear the words that I am singing and to sing for Jesus!!!  and I couldn't be happier. I do feel that God has a plan for me and I 'll be praying and waiting ! I want to thank him for waking me up and filling me up ! and I want to change the world for him!!! I am so excited for what is to come but for now I am at peace that I have been able to be honest with myself and with God ! God Bless You !!!