I am literally blown away right now !! Honestly as I reflect back the last couple of months have been some of the hardest my family has gone through to this point and I Thank God for one day at a time because just reflecting I felt totally overwhelmed. One thing that I did unknowingly at first was to stop seeking Jesus .... I stopped declaring my love for Him and eventually I just felt like He wasn't even here anymore at all . I allowed myself to start worshiping idols . I consumed myself in my kids' relationships so much that some where along the way my own relationship with my husband began to unravel. Over the last 2 weeks just when I started to think things were going to get better all heck broke lose. My daughters' boyfriend was forced to breakup with her after 2 years and it hit our family like a wrecking ball . At first they were going to try and make it work just seeing each other at school but after 2 weeks that isn't working so once again heart break is wrecking our home .Our oldest daughter dates his brother and that relationship wasn't touched but boy have they felt the after effects from it. I struggled severely the first week because I felt so defeated and blamed and I even had a weak moment where I was leaving Paul because I was so consumed by the whole situation and I couldn't let it go no matter how hard I tried . But then something happened ..... At church last Sunday that sweet 16 year old girl who I have always thought to be one of the strongest people I have ever known went and fell on her knees at the alter and I watched helplessly as her whole body shook with sob after sob of just pure surrender. All of her anger and frustration and all the stubborn strength just left her body right there at the alter . It was then that I realized that I needed that ! I needed my relationship with Jesus back I needed to feel his arms wrapped around me again . I needed to cry like a little girl and beg Him to take it all away ..... The months and months of pain and grief and anger and all the chaos that had entered our home . So over the past week each day I start on my knees praying just talking to Jesus .... Praying over my family , praying over the boys and their family, praying over my marriage , praying over my church family that I have allowed myself to disconnect from, just praying. There's no doubt that this is all apart of Gods plan for our life during this season. I tried at first to seek understanding for why this was all happening but then I realized that a lot of Gods mysterious actions are because He wants us to trust Him with our entire life ! Every part of it . Not just the part people see but all of it ! This is been my go to verse for the last 2 weeks that has literally changed my life.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;”
Proverbs 3:5
That verse has taking on such a meaning for me that we spend so much time saying "I don't understand " when instead we should be saying "I don't need to understand. God I know you have this ." That has been so hard for me especially this past week, but today I turned on some amazing worship music and I just laid down on the couch and said Jesus I want to worship you now .. Not by singing (weird for me right)..... Not by watching ... But just closing my eyes and just listening and if you know me you know that I'm more of a talker than a listener , but for today I just wanted to listen ....... And slowly I started to feel like everything was going to be ok .... Not necessarily that my girls' situations were going to change and not that Paul could cut back on his overtime just yet, but just a peace that He was here and that it was going to be ok .... I even whispered Jesus I trust you ... And I meant it which is truly a miracle In itself. As I lay there almost to the point of dozing my phone rang and an absolute unexpected miracle took place that is going to help us financially in a way that I could never explain and all I could do was cry . You see we become so consumed with our circumstances that we forget that God is here He wants to wrap his arms around us . He wants to answer our prayers and He wants to move us forward in the plans that He has to grow us and prosper us , but He's the creator of peace not chaos so if we allow the enemy start speaking over the peace then we are asking for destruction . This verse has also helped me over the past week.
1Peter 5:8
"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour."
Satan wants nothing more than to attack our thoughts ,devour our relationships and especially our relationship with Jesus. I am so thankful for Gods grace, the moment I cried out to Jesus he wrapped me up in his mercy and Grace and I felt the forgiveness . I felt His Love . Unfortunately our human flesh doesn't give grace as easily as Jesus does and that was a huge eye opener for me in all this . I will not withhold grace from anyone after what I've experience with Jesus. The relationships that's have been affected over the past few weeks will eventually be repaired I will believe that , but what an incredible lesson this has been and there's still a lot of pain there's still separation but I can also see healing and for the first time in a while the noisy roaring thoughts that satan has been controlling in my head have subsided and I hear Gods voice so softly I can feel his presence and I know he's with me . I guess I still consider my self to be pretty weak and fragile I even laughed to myself and said Mrs Sparrow we just have a broken wing right now it'll be ok. I'm sad that our circumstances are what they are , but I am so thankful that as bad as things are and as much hurt as my girls are feeling right now Hope is being restored and my relationship with Jesus has been renewed . So now on His solid rock I will rest until my wing is healed and I am so excited for the future I have a new excitement for what Gods plans are for me .
