Protective instincts of a Mama Tiger !

          A few days ago I was watching a show on TV about a man that follows Mother Tigers and their young.He watches closely how she carefully cleans and nurtures them and when she leaves them to hunt for food, he will go into her den and check on the young. One thing that really caught my interest in the show was when he didn't get out fast enough or if he got to close when the mother was playing with her cubs, the mama tiger's behavior drastically changed, I could feel myself inching up closer to the TV and I was drawn to the way her body language expressed "don't you even think about coming close to my baby." Her calm compassionate look in her eyes was quickly changing to defensive ,cold almost an evil glare right into the camera.In a matter of seconds the chill ,relaxing ,calm tiger turned fierce and ready to attack ,to even kill if she had to. As I sat there and watched this I became suddenly aware of my own behavior, for quite sometime my 13 year old had been experiencing problems at school and as the problem became more frequent and eventually became downright unacceptable. So as I watched that tiger change right before my eyes I suddenly began to realize how much alike we were. I new in my mind that I wanted to attack the source of Haley's hurt . She was my baby and I felt her safety was being violated. I no longer felt in control of her well being while she was in the school's care and that frightened me . But I also knew that my behavior would determine how I was seen by that source. Did I want to be seen as the angry, revenge seeking mother that would destroy anything in my path to get to this source or Did I want to be the calm ,but serious mother that wanted to handle the problem the right and just way. After all my 11 year old still has a couple years left at this school and I didnt want my behavior leaving a sour taste in the adminstrations mouth when our name came up. So for several days I prayed for God to be in control over this, I wanted his guidance and understanding. I wanted to know how to handle this situation in a manner that would not only would keep the Sparrow name from being tarnished at the school, but I wanted my love for Jesus and people to be shown through this experience even though it was a bad one. I think the way we interact with people in bad situations will leave more of an impact if we are loving ,concerned, and respectful rather than being irradatic and mean. But  lets face it as all mother's know when it comes to our children God eqiupped us with a defensive mechanism that is like no other , our priorities change quickly when we sense danger around our babies! The bad part is Satan knows this too , and if we are not careful he can twist our way of thinking to really cause us to act irrashionally . This almost happened to me yesterday , when the situation finally came to a head, which I knew would and I lost it! I was so enraged that I know my usual calm, collective demeanor changed and I probably looked the same as the tiger when she sensed her cubs being in danger , to the school adminstration. Thankfully before the situation became out of control God reminded me that the adminstrators were not the source and they were there to help, so I was able to contain my rage and return to a calm and mature state and talk with them about the situation. Although I did not feel as though the probleme was handled yesterday I still left it in the adminstrations hands and had to believe it would be handled promptly and correctly. But that still left an opening for Satan to get in my mind and remind me that this problem  should have been taken care of by now and why should I have to wait for responses. I spent most of the evening feeling upset and frustrated instead of feeling confident about the matter.Even this morning I was still grasping for some kind of answers I called friends and family looking for advice , but the funny thing is I dont really know what I wanted to hear . I think my "Tigeress" instinct wanted refenge ,blood for what the source had put my daughter through. I didnt want to be satisfied with "Its being handled" . How was I suppose to know what was being said to and about my child when I wasn't there. After it became clear to me that friends and family phone calls weren't really giving me the comfort that I needed I began again to pray about this . Honestly I dont even know exactly what I was asking God for ,I just wanted to feel peace for Haley.I didnt want her to be brought down by this source any more. At this point I didn't even care if they were punished for what they did I just wanted peace for her. Strangely enough by the time I reached the school for Ashley's BETA club induction ,I was feeling a little better and was even able to relax during the ceremony. Afterwards when I asked to speak with administration and we started to talk I began to really feel a comfort come over me. Just 24 hours earlier I wanted blood ,I wanted to fight But today by the time I left the school  I realized that no harsh words were said, no yelling was done and the conversation ended with a hand shake and a smile it occured to me that even though the situation still was far from over probably, I was at peace. I was confident that the administration was taking care of things and I had a newly  restored  trust that my children were in good hands. Now as I look back on the situation I can smile because as part of growing relationship with God I was able to experience first hand what real peace feels like. I could feel the difference when I gave him control of the situation. I truly feel that because of my actions and  the power of  listening and allowing my words to be possitive and having complete composure not only did things remain calm but I feel it restored hope in the adminstration. I can't imagine how many times the exact same situations have gone extremly bad for the school system . I have seen and heard first hand how parents have became violent with teachers and staff and have used words that are to extreme to even be called "potty words" and too many times in this world parents are even encouraged to behave this way. Had I allowed Satan to twist and play in my mind much longer this could've easily happened. It makes not only the need for Jesus in my life amazingly clear but also the need for me to share Him . I hope that my actions today did just that ! I thank God that my protective instinct can compare to such a strong beautiful animal ,but I also Thank Him that through Him we can control that instinct to know when and how to use our protective aggression and that even in bad situations we can still bring Him the honor and the glory.

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ Isaiah 41:10

Sometimes it takes really understanding the story of being in the" belly of a whale" before you realize that you are living in the "belly of a whale" !

           Do you remember really being good at something when you were younger? I mean really being talented or even gifted at something.And now sometimes wonder what happened to it? Whether it was a sport or dancing or as in my case singing. Were you told over and over that you were gonna be big , that you were amazing at it,that you were going to go places? Do you sometimes look back and say why would people tell me something that wasn't true or did you wonder what you could have done differently to make it happen? I have spent over half of my adult life wondering the same thing, asking the same questions. A few years ago I even tried to go get it back. I heard people say oh Heidi's having a mid life crisis ,she has a wild hair she'll get over it.But in  my mind at that time I was going to get back what was rightfully mine. My train of thought was God gave me a gift and he's going to take it away if I dont use it. What I had not realized at that point was ,it was never mine in the first place. It was a hard lesson for me to learn. I went to 3 states chasing a DREAM that wasn't even mine to start with and when I still was getting rejected time after time I got MAD at God !! I can remember coming home from Nashville,TN after being rejected at The Nashville Star auditions trying not to cry in front of my Mom and my daughter because I didnt want Haley to know how I felt in that moment. Like a failure ! Like God was not being fair to me ! Like why when I was now ready to use my gift He kept letting me get turned down !! I was so humiliated . A few months later I spent the last $200 in our checking account to record a 2 song demo so that I could enter The Christian Artist talent search and this time I was thinking God I am singing your music now I am doing this for you, Let me get famous now. And that time I wasn't rejected per say but the talent search was canceled after funds were cut ! Wow how ironic I thought after all these years they decided to cancel it the year I entered. Poor Poor me! You see my point is Every time I was rejected, instead of thanking God for giving me a talent and asking Him how could I use it for Him I questioned Him for not letting me be promoted with it.I blamed Him that I was still just me and not the big star that I had been told my entire child hood that I was going to be.Honestly thinking about it now I as write I can't believe that God even allows me to have a voice at all.
       Several months ago my relationship with God turned full circle.I began to see Him for who He was. he started to be real in my life and He wasn't just this miraclous being that I was tought as a child to believe in. I began to understand why he sent Jesus to the world and it all made sense to me for really the first time in my life. And at that time I began to get angry at myself . I was so ashamed of what I had been doing all this time. And I started having all these memories of my childhood resurface. All the many times I sang in church and someone cried or someone raised their hands to Jesus because the song I was singing touched them. At the time as a child I didnt understand what this all meant and as I grew older I began to take credit for theses instances. I never even thought that God was using me to reach people. Day after day I would at some point remember a clear instance that something like this happened and every day I became more and more angry at myself. During this time the church I was attending had a choir and I joined it. When the pastor of that church visited my parents my Dad gave him the copy of the demo That I had given him. Even after all I had done my Dad still believed in me. After only a few weeks of visiting that church I began to sing solos and again people began to take notice but this time it was somehow different. You see I had developed so much anger at myself that I had lost interest in singing. I felt as though I didn't deserve to sing for Jesus. I even felt as though I did a few years earlier only this time I told myself that because I had not used my Gift for God that He had taken it.I couldn've been more wrong. So many things would soon begin to change in my life that would show me just how wrong I was.
          You see all these years I have been focused on myself. I have been rolling in my own self pity about what I did wrong or right or how I could change this or that. I didn't even stop and think that not only was I not serving and being obedient but my children had not been active in church and right before my eyes God was working in my daughters lives full force. I believe more than ever that God has a perfectly laid out plan for each of us and  whether we are obedient or if we choose the long road either way God is right there. He is with us and His plans have not changed.when Haley accepted Christ and began to follow Him. I have to admit I thought she was being weird. She wanted what I thought was funky jewerly and tshirts with what I thought were weird Church names on them. I was very confused, but when I would go into her room and see her studying her bible and see her praying to Jesus like she was talking to a friend I was amazed. I mean I was still trying to get a grip on what I was learning every day about God . I knew He was different than the way I was taught to understand Him, but this was almost too much.I know this seems to be long and drawn out and not really going anywhere but I really have this on my heart and need to get it out so that I can move on to what God has next for me. After all this is a blog about learning to grow in Jesus and this I believe is part of it.I went to Elevation church with Haley and her youth leaders (at the time). I was stunned. First of all I could wear jeans and noone cared . (That was awesome) The music was so loud I thought my head was going to bust , and the type of music which Haley had been listening to for weeks was so different than anything I have ever heard in my life. But the funny thing is ! I Loved It! I mean I felt so at home . I cant even explain it. The message from Pastor Steven was phenomenol . He touched on things that I had never heard a pastor touch on. REAL LIFE SITUATIONS ! Things that many pastors will not talk about ! After that night I was a different person. I mean I had already received Christ years before but I had a renewed freedom that to this day I still cant explain. I no longer even thought about singing. I didnt care about that my gift had been taken away! I only wanted to make Jesus happy ! I wanted to show Gods love through doing whatever I needed to do I didnt care what!!! But again I wasn't completely right! You see Satan knows how I felt deep inside about singing. he knew that no matter how hard I tried I would always feel like I had let God down and myself for that matter and when I least expected it those feelings would slowly creep back in .
           Not long after we attended Elevation. The youth paster announced he was leaving his current position to plant a church.I watched that day as my daughters heart fell . She had the most sad look on her face I had ever seen in my life. I know in her mind she was thinking my Mom is happy she is where she feels she should be, but what she didnt realize is I wasn't.I only joined the church for my girls I was still dealing with anger and regret and even some depression. I mean afterall I ruined the plan that God had for my life.After alot of prayer and thought I decided to leave the church. I wanted to see what would happen if I attended a few other places and I wanted to see if God was even still with me. As I began to go from church to church with other people I started to kind of feel at home. as crazy as that may sound it wasn't the churches that made me feel that way it was the people that I attended with. We began to meet together and soon we became a launch team for Revolution Church.As happy as I was to be apart of this I was still very much battling Satan and my anger with myself. You see it wasn't long before all this had taken place that I thought God had taken my gift that he had given me as a child away from me. Satan at this time was having the time of his life with all my insecurities , my home problems that I tried to cover with a smile ,and most of all my sadness from not singing! I know this is alot to take in but again this is important for me to get this out and maybe someone reading this may be dealing with similar circumstances. for along time I have convinced myself not to tell my story. I was embarrased and very much ashamed of trying to steal God's glory. What truly amazes me is how all this ties together. You have to realize that this is not something that I have figured out and have moved past. This is real and is happening right now and every day I have to rearm myself with God's armour of Truth and Love and Hope to defend against Satan and this world. A few weeks ago my pastor started us on a journey through Jonah. At first I thought this was going to be cheesy and time wasting (sorry Richard) but I had heard the story as a kid . Jonah disobeyed God and got thrown overboard and a big ol whale swallowed him up and yadda yadda yadda! What in the world could he teach us about Jonah that we didnt learn when we were 5!! ALOT ! ALOT ! and ALOT! you see Jonah wasnt just some man . He was a prophet ! God didnt play any many miney moe and point at Jonah and say oh well your it ! He carefully chose Jonah for the task of going to Ninevah ! and when Jonah fled to another country God didnt say "peace out Jonah " I'll pick some one else . he chose Jonah ! It was His plan all along for Jonah to warn Ninevah ! God invested in Jonah ! Just like God invest in us ! he doesn't give up on us just because we give up on ourselves and flee by not being obedient and not using His gifts that he allows us to have to share His love with other people. You see this is why I went way off the subject to bring you to this point . Although I tried to ignore Gods plan for my life and I went the wrong road. He uses the resources he needs to get us back on track.(Just like the whale). I have learned that he needed me to be stripped from the rule following, hymn singing Christian that I was .(Not that those are bad things at all there not ) That just wasn't his plan for me and if I would have listened a long time ago I would have already learned that. He needed me to recognize that my gifts and dreams weren't mine to abuse and neglect. He needed me to understand that he's not punishing me by me not being this famous singer in Nashville. He needs me here . He needs the gifts that He allowed me to use to be used here. He has tought me that He has been patient with me and now I need to be quiet and listen to Him.   It has been through being a part of planting a church and sharing in the vision of changing a city that I have been able to come to terms with what Gods' plans for my life are. I know that this is not going to be easy as Satan has already thrown obstacles my way that have almost caused me to lose sight of this vision. Obstacles inside my own home and life, but God clearly is with me and constantly reminding me to "Love Him, Love People" which is part of our core values at Revolution church. You see His love is amazing and I am a constant work in progress. Sometimes I even wonder if God gets really worn out on hard heads like me :). A few weeks ago I blogged on singing in the car.Although it may have been funny and I know I probably look silly I truly believe its part of this process. I won't sing publically again until I know that God is in control of it fully. I am constantly learning new material and learning to sing songs that I believe one day God will use to pack a powerful punch to someones heart. I dont know when that day will be but in the meantime I am listening and learning. Its very important I have learned to not take advantage of your gift that God has given you. No matter what it may be , speaking, writing , singing , even playing a sport. With our Wednesday block parties at Revolution church athletic talent is certainly needed. Each God given talent and gift has a purpose , dont try and run from it . God invested in you , and the" belly of a whale" is not a fun place to be . You feel lonely , deserted , and worthless. Let God develop your talent or gift. thats where I am right now. I am allowing Him to develop it so when He's ready and its the right time. It will be used for His glory ,it will show His Love and when it touches someone even if its only one person they will be able to take what they learn and continue to share God's love. 1 Peter 4:10 : "As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace:"