More from the Heart

              Do you ever wonder why you are placed in certain situations? Well that was dumb of course you do . Ha! Women spend 90% of our time wondering about that kind of stuff! We ask ourselves... Why me? What did I do to deserve this? What was I thinking? Well I could go on and on ,but I think you get the idea.And its so funny it could be for good or bad reasons. For instance when nothing is going our way we're like why me? why can't I get a break? but then when everything seems to be going right we're like wow what did I do to deserve this? this shouldn't be happening to me. Ha! we're never satisfied are we?
            I have tried over the past few months to have a different view about questioning why things happen when and why they do.While preparing to speak to women at a recent event, I started to write down situations that I had been through in my lifetime that stood out in my mind, and as I started to write I began to realize how they all began to connect kind of like playing dot to dot. I have to be honest it kind of weirded me out at first but then I was like wow God placed me in certain situations throughout my lifetime. I think sometimes we forget that God already knows what when how where and why long before we do. He knows where he wants us to end up and why . He already has a plan for us. I didn't understand that for the longest time and to be honest I really still don't know exactly what that plan is, but what I have learned is that being obedient is very important in my walk with Jesus.If your like I was not long ago, your probably saying "OK Heidi how the heck do I do that? How do I know if  I'm being obedient or not?" Trust me I have ask those same questions A LOT and here's what I have learned. For me it started with forgetting what I thought was the "correct" way to pray and I started talking to God whenever I needed to and believe me I need to alot. I also started to read my bible and you know what? This was hard. I didn't understand one word of it I didn't know where to start. I would hear people tell how they would open their bible and be right on the page they were suppose to be on so I tried that . Didn't work! Ha ! I would even close it ,close my eyes real tight pray please show me what to read and open it back real quick as if to see a special verse jump off the page at me! That didn't work either! So I subscribed to a daily devotion by Proverbs 31 ministries and that at first only made me more confused because their bible verses didn't match mine and I had always been taught to only use the King James Bible, so that for me only made connecting with Jesus even more difficult. But I continued to read those devotions and I eventually made the trip to Lifeway and ask the sales clerk to help me. I explained my situation to her and then I braced myself and waited on her to call me stupid and tell me to stick to my own bible and eventually I would figure it all out,but she didn't ! She smiled at me and said I will be happy to help you she gave me a guide that showed me what the differences in certain versions were and helped me choose the right one for me.That made all the difference in the world! Reading my bible quickly became a very important part of my life! Obeying scripture was the next thing I began to do and probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life! But I did it! Yes ladies I began to submit to my husband and No I wasn't happy about it (and I times I still have a major issue with this one.)But hard as it may be it was being obedient and it was an important step in developing not only my relationship with Jesus, but redeveloping my relationship with my husband as well. 
           
                    It was in doing these things that I slowly started to feel at peace with a lot of situations that I would have before struggled with. I found myself asking the why me? questions a lot less and I am beginning to connect the dots and I am starting to understand that passions and dreams that I never knew about are starting to surface and old dreams that were all about me are starting to die.God is using me in ways I never even imagined. I know that I am a work in progress and I know that I have a long way to go yet. But I have something now that I never had before and it is a constant feeling that God is always with me and sometimes when I begin to ask why me Lord? I stop and rethink my question. The why me becomes" How can I use this situation to bring You Glory Lord " ?  And that my friends is the right question, He will begin to equip you with resources and strength you never even knew possible. And its in that moment that you realize that it is so much more fulfilling to forget about the" why me's" and turn those words into "use me". I hope everyone has a very Happy Thanksgiving and hopefully we'll talk again soon!!

   Love, Heidi

Here are a few verses that I refer to that may be helpful........
Ephesians 5:22-24 (NLT

Proverbs 11 verse 28: (The Message) A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump; a God-shaped life is a flourishing tree.

 

Jeremiah 29 verse 11: (NIV) 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'

" For I can do everything through Christ,who gives me strength." Philippians's 4:13

Matters of the Heart

             While looking through my blogs this morning, I found this draft that I started sometime ago. This was a journal entry really that I never intended on sharing with anyone, but this past Saturday night I was given the opportunity to speak to a group of women. I am NOT a speaker at all ,but God filled me with the ability to share words that women needed . I could have never done that myself. EVER ! God has consistently shown me that I am weak on my own, but through Him I have the strength to do anything ! After I spoke, I was a little numb, I couldn't remember a word I said and I didn't use any of my notes that I literally took months to prepare and while at first I thought well what a waste of time that was I then realized that those months that I was praying constantly for the courage and strength to share my deepest thoughts were actually months of being intimate with God while he prepared me for that breakout session. He already knew I wouldn't use those notes ! in fact, He already knew what I was going to say before I did!!!
            Right before I spoke I closed my eyes and said God I am NO ONE, I am NOT worthy to do this, but YOU are , If I can just hit close to what ONE woman in this room is feeling then maybe I'm not completely hopeless!  I NEVER realized how many woman felt the same way I did ! and it breaks my heart ! I wouldn't wish that pain on any one! A hole inside that grows bigger and bigger every day while on the outside you are the happiest person around. I can remember people saying "You are such a happy person, your always smiling." When inside I was screaming "SHUT UP! You have No! idea" I thought today that I would share a little of this with the blog world. If you are feeling any of this or just need someone to talk to or pray with you please contact me through facebook or twitter. You are not alone ! You don't have to hide behind your big smile any more . God has a plan for you. Your life is purposed for something bigger than depression or anxiety or loneliness. Its probably a gift that's been there all along, but you have to break through your thoughts that Satan uses to hold you hostage and allow God to begin to show you your value, your purpose , your voice !  Here is some of my story ....

                          " A  little more than a year ago I was at the lowest point of my life. I had fallen into a large slimy pool of sin and couldn't seem to find my way to the top! I was drowning in loneliness and didn't think I could be helped.A few years prior to that I entered the clubbing seen . I spent many weekends spending lots of money on alcohol at what ever night club our friends were going to that night but eventually even the hours of dancing and drinking to get drunk every weekend wasn't enough! I needed more! I had already went through the whole Jesus come into my heart process as a child, but at this point I felt not even Jesus could help! I was done with rules and being told what to do. Paul and I were fighting constantly and deep inside I was falling apart. Honestly I was looking for a way out. My girls were starting to question me about drinking when I thought I had done an amazing job of keeping it from them! So as with everything else even my thoughts of being a good mom were deteriorating. I was done. I just didn't know how to be what everyone wanted of me anymore.
              I had made the decision that I was going to give church another try. I had failed at that too  Many Many times , I was a  "Church Hopper" sad huh? but if the shoe fits right ? After a few weeks of sitting in a pew trying to figure out what the heck I was doing there ,  I was truly desperate ! I began to cry out to God!!! I had never been more lost and alone than I was right then and I needed this huge hole in my heart to be patched before I did something crazy or unspeakable. I guess you could say this was my last ditch effort at trying to fit the pieces of my life back together.
            If your reading this right now and your asking why the heck is she sharing such personal information? this is why! I have never been any good at speaking publicly , just isn't my thing. I get tongue tied just having a one on one conversation. But if there is one thing I've learned over the past year , despite what people want you to know, there are a lot of screwed up people in the world. I was very much one of them, but like many people out there maybe even some that are reading this right now; I was really good at hiding what was going on inside my heart. In fact, I had become so good that I could go out on Saturday night and wake up Sunday morning , fill myself full of ibuprofen and show up on time for church and attend the entire service pretending to be the happiest person there! sound familiar to anyone?"



"For I can do everything through Christ,who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 ''

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

Lots of Love,
Heidi