Matters of the Heart

             While looking through my blogs this morning, I found this draft that I started sometime ago. This was a journal entry really that I never intended on sharing with anyone, but this past Saturday night I was given the opportunity to speak to a group of women. I am NOT a speaker at all ,but God filled me with the ability to share words that women needed . I could have never done that myself. EVER ! God has consistently shown me that I am weak on my own, but through Him I have the strength to do anything ! After I spoke, I was a little numb, I couldn't remember a word I said and I didn't use any of my notes that I literally took months to prepare and while at first I thought well what a waste of time that was I then realized that those months that I was praying constantly for the courage and strength to share my deepest thoughts were actually months of being intimate with God while he prepared me for that breakout session. He already knew I wouldn't use those notes ! in fact, He already knew what I was going to say before I did!!!
            Right before I spoke I closed my eyes and said God I am NO ONE, I am NOT worthy to do this, but YOU are , If I can just hit close to what ONE woman in this room is feeling then maybe I'm not completely hopeless!  I NEVER realized how many woman felt the same way I did ! and it breaks my heart ! I wouldn't wish that pain on any one! A hole inside that grows bigger and bigger every day while on the outside you are the happiest person around. I can remember people saying "You are such a happy person, your always smiling." When inside I was screaming "SHUT UP! You have No! idea" I thought today that I would share a little of this with the blog world. If you are feeling any of this or just need someone to talk to or pray with you please contact me through facebook or twitter. You are not alone ! You don't have to hide behind your big smile any more . God has a plan for you. Your life is purposed for something bigger than depression or anxiety or loneliness. Its probably a gift that's been there all along, but you have to break through your thoughts that Satan uses to hold you hostage and allow God to begin to show you your value, your purpose , your voice !  Here is some of my story ....

                          " A  little more than a year ago I was at the lowest point of my life. I had fallen into a large slimy pool of sin and couldn't seem to find my way to the top! I was drowning in loneliness and didn't think I could be helped.A few years prior to that I entered the clubbing seen . I spent many weekends spending lots of money on alcohol at what ever night club our friends were going to that night but eventually even the hours of dancing and drinking to get drunk every weekend wasn't enough! I needed more! I had already went through the whole Jesus come into my heart process as a child, but at this point I felt not even Jesus could help! I was done with rules and being told what to do. Paul and I were fighting constantly and deep inside I was falling apart. Honestly I was looking for a way out. My girls were starting to question me about drinking when I thought I had done an amazing job of keeping it from them! So as with everything else even my thoughts of being a good mom were deteriorating. I was done. I just didn't know how to be what everyone wanted of me anymore.
              I had made the decision that I was going to give church another try. I had failed at that too  Many Many times , I was a  "Church Hopper" sad huh? but if the shoe fits right ? After a few weeks of sitting in a pew trying to figure out what the heck I was doing there ,  I was truly desperate ! I began to cry out to God!!! I had never been more lost and alone than I was right then and I needed this huge hole in my heart to be patched before I did something crazy or unspeakable. I guess you could say this was my last ditch effort at trying to fit the pieces of my life back together.
            If your reading this right now and your asking why the heck is she sharing such personal information? this is why! I have never been any good at speaking publicly , just isn't my thing. I get tongue tied just having a one on one conversation. But if there is one thing I've learned over the past year , despite what people want you to know, there are a lot of screwed up people in the world. I was very much one of them, but like many people out there maybe even some that are reading this right now; I was really good at hiding what was going on inside my heart. In fact, I had become so good that I could go out on Saturday night and wake up Sunday morning , fill myself full of ibuprofen and show up on time for church and attend the entire service pretending to be the happiest person there! sound familiar to anyone?"



"For I can do everything through Christ,who gives me strength." Philippians 4:13 ''

Deuteronomy 31:6 Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

Lots of Love,
Heidi